Invasion of the MASSHOLE Snatchers

Well it’s November and here is my second post of the month, I think I’ll continue this throughout the entire off-season. My original plan was to basically take the winter off, but I just keep getting material that I feel I have to write about. I have a large fan base that lives outside of the Boston area, so they don’t really know what goes on in this city when the lights of Fenway go dim.
In Boston there are about 9000 Colleges and Universities, it’s true, you walk down the street and it’s like a College on every corner. In fact I read recently in Boston, the city is pairing up with Starbucks so with every Starbucks opened in the city, a College will be opened alongside it!
But with all these young, eager, and often uninformed students comes alcohol. Mix that alcohol with a Red Sux victory and you have Trouble with a capital T that rhymes with P and that spells MASSHOLE! Ok, so I couldn’t come up with a “P” word, but MASSHOLE works on all levels.
This city molds minds with education, it also molds MASSHOLES! You have students from all different countries, states, backgrounds whatever, but one thing is certain, 8 out of 10 students going to school in this city become Red Sux fans! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SAYING ABOUT OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM? It’s true, they don’t have a clue, they try to fit in so they root for the only baseball team here, and they feel like they fit in because they know as much about baseball and the sux as the most die hard red sux fan... bupkiss! But I digress.
Ok, let me paint the picture for you… You have Fenway Park, home of the Sux, now basically surrounding the park you have Boston University, Northeastern University, Emmanuel College, Simmons College, Wentworth Institute, Emerson College, and a couple smaller schools in between. (BC is a few miles away, but nobody likes BC kids anyway) Now when the Red Sux win a big game, i.e. ALCS, World Series the dorms of these colleges empty out and everyone descends on Fenway Park… even if they Sux are playing away! Now the Boston Police got wise to this after a few years ago the students trashed stores and someone got whacked; now they set up way ahead of time, close streets and are out there in force with full riot gear. But there is still a celebration happening, and God Bless the cops for letting them celebrate, it’s kind of like a conjugal visit, you get to have sex, but you’re in prison, here you get to celebrate but the cops are watching you. Ok, I’ll skip ahead….
17 people were arrested when the Sux beat the Indians and people celebrated, of these 17 people arrested, the court ordered 7 of the punks to write five page essays about their arrests. How funny is that! It seems like only in Boston can they really gay up an arrest; I mean getting arrested is a tough thing isn’t it?
So these students wrote their little hearts out, one broad an artsy type who appropriately goes to Mass. College of Art said, “After being exposed to this piece of the justice system, despite its lesser astringency in comparison with larger prisons… I fell as though I can begin to understand the acute horror it is to actually serve time imprisoned” I believe this broad just learned how to use the Thesaurus tool on Microsoft Word. This other kid from Emmanuel College said, “I let my mother and father down by not living up to my reputation, as a well rounded college student, and making our last name, White, subtly infamous. My mother cried for days after she heard the news.” You’re right the name “White” is a name that people usually forget. Another kid says, “He regretted speaking out, an action sparked by his anger over the Iraq war.” So you pick now to protest the war, at midnight surrounded by drunken people celebrating a victory on the streets?
Look, the most important message I want to convey in this article is that too many normal people around the world are turning into MASSHOLES! They come to this city to learn, to find themselves, but they are just taken down a path of destruction! Parents out there, please you must be active in your kid’s life. I went to college in this city, it’s a wonderful city, but without the proper supervision your kid will end up a drunk with a fake accent! I don’t want you to pry, but just remind them you love them, and every once in a while send newspaper clippings from your hometown so they don’t forget they can always go home! This is our youth, our future, let us not corrupt them as violently as they are being corrupted on a daily basis in this city, have some mercy MASSHOLES!
Don’t you have enough, you don’t need anymore, leave them alone!

HEY ALEX BEAM, YOUR BOYFRIEND CALLED AND SAID YOU GAVE HIM HERPES!

It’s the off-season in Boston, the leaves are turned a beautiful blaze of colors, the fireplaces burn bright with the smell lingering throughout Beacon Hill and Jonathon Papelbon is still retarded. I was going to take the winter off and board myself up in my apartment until spring again but I just couldn’t stay away.
Finally everything has simmered down with the celebration in Boston; the focus has shifted to the Patriots who are dominating the NFL. I could care less about the Pats, I’m just thankful that their stadium is an hour away so I don’t have to endure a Masshole convention every time they play as I did with the Sux. I was perusing some articles recently and I came across an article written by Alex Beam, he contributes articles now and then to various newspapers, he seems like a respected journalist, though that doesn’t say much, because people have accused me of being a respected journalist!
Mr. Beam recently wrote an article entitled, “The sorrow and the pity: a Bronx tale” for the Boston Globe. First off I want to congratulate him for being the first person to write an original article about the Yankees and second… GO FUCK YOURSELF! I mean come on man, yes we all know you’re trying to be so witty and cute by calling AROD “Me-Rod” I mean WOW, you probably danced the night away with your gay lover when you thought of that, huh? Oh, and to bring up the fact that AROD’s wife wore a shirt saying “Fuck you” on it, OH MY GOD, the kids! COME ON DOUCHE BAG, YOU EVER BEEN TO A SUX GAME AT FENWAY?? AROD SUCKS AND JETER SWALLOWS RING A BELL??? Oh, and goofing on Steinbrenner and his kids for being out of it, or just plain stupid, please you’re killing me with your originality, your wit, I mean does the baseball world not know any of this already? Oh, and to bring up Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' book about the stages of dying, yes we know you're smart and educated you pompous baffoon!
But the coup de gras had to be when he says the $1.3 billion new Yankee Stadium, a “taxpayer- supported temple of excess” in the Bronx. This guy knows Massholes, he knows what will get their attention and then he prints it. "Let me say that the new Yankee stadium is being paid for by the taxpayers", you fucking moron! It’s costing $1.3 Billion, and “taxpayers” of New York are paying $70 Million of that… for PARKING GARAGES! OH, THE HORROR, THE BELOVED YANKEES ORGANIZATION MAKING THE PEOPLE OF NEW YORK PAY FOR THEIR CATHEDRAL. Come on man, do you read what you write? And this guy Beam, he could pass for a Steinbrenner in a heartbeat! Alex Beam was born in DC, his father was a diplomat and he graduated from Yale. Hey Red Sux County wake up and realize this guy belittles you as much as I do behind your back! This Yaley, this pompous ass, this writer that is just plain angry that the Sux are winning now, that’s right, he’s angry because the Sux are a winning ball club, now what does he do? I’ll tell you what he does; he re-copies articles written time and time again about the Yanks and then collects his money. Then he goes off to his Yale Club with his other racist, republican friends and get’s blowjobs by the freshman class boys attending Yale this year!