Books, Security and Massages

Usually about three times a month my staff reads emails that we receive on behalf of our little site here, and let me tell you it's caused quite a stir in our security headquarters. I've actually be assigned a driver now and have a detail that coordinates all my meetings and events that I attend, you should see the mess this has caused for my weekly "massages" in Chinatown. But needless to say it's business as usual at Ftheredsox.com, life goes on! Later in the month our list of top ten emails will be posted for your enjoyment.




So, Joe Torre wrote a book and in it are all the seedy details of the locker room and A-Rod's plights. Let me say something to the defunct Red Sux County... THIS IS NOTHING NEW! We all new the trials and tribulations that Alex went through, his obsession with Jeter, who isn't obsessed with Jeter, I know I love the guy! Look, Alex had a lot of weight put on his shoulders from we the media, yes I call myself the media there I said it! Has he produced for us, sure he has, will he continue to produce for us, yes. Has he not produced for us, sure he has, will he continue to not produce for us in tight situations where he should produce, probably. He's not going to hit a homerun every time. This is baseball, one of the hardest sports out there, yes it is a sport and players will have ups and downs. Have I cursed at him, or even wrote about how much he sucks in the past, probably, will I continue, probably, but the point is he is still a Yankee and will enter the Hall of Fame as a Yankee with the Home Run record around his belt. Who cares what the book says, I haven't read the thing yet, some how my early copy was never sent to me, my marketing department is working on that right now, but no phone calls have been returned from the publishing company. As long as a Alex is a Yankee he will continue to be in Derek Jeter's shadow, it's as plain as that. Once he accepts that, which I think he has, he can move on. Derek Jeter is the New York Yankees, and will enter the Hall of Fame one the best Yankees of all time. And you know what, that just eats away at Red Sux County. You hate the man, that beautiful man... I mean that great player, see even my gayness comes out sometimes for him!

Hey Epstein how about getting off your ass and picking up a box!

The first post in the Obama Era, what a great country! Or as the MASSHOLES call it, "The EEERRRAAA Darkie in Chief" Either way you look at it, it's still a great feeling. Ok, that's all my political talk for the moment... actually I do want to talk off subject a bit, but not by much. I have to give out my Douche Bag of the Week Award today and the ceremony is in like ten minutes so this will be brief... Jim Armstrong who works for FOX 25 in Boston. This guy is the reporter that goes out and finds the obscure stories with a twist, or the weird stories that he finds interesting. They started running his segments a few months ago on the 10 o'clock news, and it's just awful. Why is he a Douche Bag? He ran a story the day after the election talking about how President Obama might not be the President since Justice Scalia messed up the oath of office. He went out and found a lawyer to back him up, I mean it was just straight out of MASSHOLE-VILLE! So this guy Jim Armstrong who usually reports from their Beacon Hill studio which on a clear day you can see my apartment in the background get's the DOUCHE BAG OF THE WEEK AWARD!




February 6th is moving day... I'm sorry Truck Day. That's right, every year they announce the day the moving trucks come to Fenway Park and take the luggage to the Sux's Spring Training Camp. Look, I love the fact that the season is only a few months away, but come on, TRUCK DAY? People actually show up for this day, it's a media frenzy down there, I turned down the offer of a media pass that day because I'm ... uh working that day, I'm really sorry, but I just can't make it, besides my back has been bothering me for a while, but call me if you really get desperate.

Didn't that guy play like 50 years ago or something??

The Hall of Fame inductees were named today and surprise surprise Rickey Henderson and Jim Rice were named. I don't think many people were caught saying, "WOW, didn't see that one coming"? I was glad to see "The Hawk" Andre Dawson get a good showing, he'll be there soon. My one major disappointment was of course The Hitman Don Mattingly not getting in. He did get a respectable 11.9% of the votes, so on a positive note, that's one thing. Someday Donnie, Someday!



For the city of Boston, they couldn't be happier! Right now thousands of suburban sexuals(if you read this blog regularly, you know who I'm talking about) are turning on their TVs and hearing about the inductee. Now, thousands of suburban sexuals are turning off their TVs and saying, "Who's the old black guy in the red sox uniform"? And right now, thousands of suburban sexuals are entering the name Jim Rice into Google to find out who this guy was. This exact moment thousands of suburban sexuals are navigating off Google to catch the latest episode of "Lipstick Jungle" on NBC.com. That's the typical Red Sux fan nowadays, they know nothing about what happened prior to the 2004 season. But come opening day they'll be out in force with their matching green sox hats and sweaters cheering for Ortiz, Papelbon and maybe Youklis, but only for about four innings then they leave and drive back to Swampscott or Salem, or Canton, while I'm stuck with the scourge of MASSHOLE central beating my door down and pissing on my street. I love this city!
I'm sure you'll do enough reading today and tomorrow all about Jim Rice, so I won't say anything about him... Just that he's GAY!


Lastly you may have noticed a few changes to our little site, yes I've sold out, I've started letting advertisers put products on the site. My accounting and marketing departments thought it would be nice to have a few little extras added to the site, so I couldn't really argue with them. Hopefully it doesn't get to distracting to you. I will not however be writing in any shameless plugs for advertises into the blog. Thank you for your time, now I will head home because tonight it looks like it may be a "Dark Knight" out and trying to find my keys to my apartment in my coat pocket is like navigating the "Amazon.com" river.

Beep... You've reached the office of Larry Lucchino, I, um, am fishing the entire day

From the Desk of Larry Lucchino;

To all Red Sox Front Office Administration, Stadium Employees, and Players:

All internet, radio and television will be out of service today for...um repairs! Plus we will be holding an emergency safety training for in the event of a nuclear war. All employees and family members will remain in the underground bunker for the entire day while the... um training takes place. All cell phones and blackberries must be handed in upon entering the bunker, this is for your... um safety.

Thank you for your cooperation and have a good day.


Sincerely
Larry Boy



The above memo was leaked to the press this evening after several family members and employees complained about being kidnapped. Police were called in but everything was resolved without incident.

This just in...

We go live to our reporter down on Yawkey Way as the Boston Police are escorting Larry Lucchino out of his office, we take you there live...

Reporter
"Larry, Larry, why'd you do it? What were you trying to accomplish by holding these people underground for the day?"

Larry Lucchino
"It was simply a training exercise, that's all it was, I have nothing further to say"

Reporter
"Come on Larry, that's hard to believe, rumor has it that the drill started just as the Yankees press conference started today, anything to say about that?"

Larry Lucchino
"Yankees press conference? Never heard of them, who are the Yankees? What are you talking about?"

Reporter
"Oh come on Larry Boy, you're telling me that you had no idea the Yankees were introducing Mark Teixeira their new first baseman today?"

Larry Lucchino
"Mark who? Never heard of him. What's first base? What are you talking about?"

Reporter
"I find this hard to believe, the Sox were in the running of signing him and the deal fell through just at the last minute and the Yankees again swooped in and signed him. You spent all winter talking about getting him, about how great he was, about what he would do for your lineup and now you're telling me you never heard of him?"

Larry Lucchino
"OK, YOU GOT ME, I DID IT, AND I'D DO IT AGAIN IF I HAD TO!! IT WAS FOR THEIR OWN PROTECTION, THEY DIDN'T NEED TO WITNESS THAT PRESS CONFERENCE WITH ALL THE YANKEE GREATS SURROUNDING HIM AND SHOWING HOW GREAT THEIR ORGANIZATION IS. NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO WITNESS THAT, THERE WERE KIDS HERE TODAY, I COULDN'T AFFORD FOR THEM TO BE SCARRED FOR LIFE AT HOW INEPT OUR MANAGEMENT IS.
WHY ARE THE YANKEES ALWAYS DOING THAT? JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED THEY COME IN WITH THEIR OLIVE OIL VOICE AND GUINEA CHARM, AND HE RUNS OFF. HE THREW IT ALL AWAY JUST TO MAKE ME LOOK RIDICULOUS AND A MAN IN MY POSITION CAN'T AFFORD TO BE MADE TO LOOK RIDICULOUS, NOW YOU GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE, AND IF THAT GOOMBAH TRIES ANY ROUGH STUFF, YOU TELL THEM I AIN'T NO BANDLEADER, YEAH I HEARD THAT STORY"


Lucchino get's taken away in a straight jacket

Reporter
"Well there you have it folks, that's some pretty startling news. Mr. Lucchino went from denying any knowledge of what happened to confessing the whole thing then somehow turning into Woltz the producer from Godfather 1 and finally going totally loony!!"

Our F-Reporters hard at work!

Happy New Year!
2009, one could only imagine what this year as in store for us. What magic will happen in the new year? What will our new President bring to the table? What environmental issues will we try to conquer? What will happen in Iraq or Afghanistan? What about our financial crisis, shrinking homeowners and jobs? I can tell you one thing I know is certain...
THERE WILL BE A LOT OF DRUNK MASSHOLES IN BOSTON!

We at Ftheredsox.blogspot.com love to hear from our fans, and like CNN's I-Reporters, we too have a desk in our office devoted to that information. We call it Ftheredsox's F-Reporters! Anytime you have an interesting photo or news tip send it our way and maybe you'll get a post. Just today we were sent a few pictures taken today at the New Yankee Stadium.


This of course is the drive into the new stadium, sux fans wouldn't know what that's like. You see you can't really drive to the old ballpark on Yawkey Way, no you have to pay about $45.00 to a gas station attendant three blocks away. Then make you way through the throngs of drunkards and massholes, oh I already said drunkards!



Here we have the new Clubhouse where all the Yankee greats will start their day. In Fenway the players start their day by taking turns feeding Papelbon and making sure he swallows his pills covered in Peanut Butter.



You know what that is by now don't you? Of course the famous hole where that traitor construction worker buried the Ortiz jersey. To most Red Sux fans thats pretty much what the bathrooms at Fenway look like now a days!



One of the Yankee Greats, Donald Arthur Mattingly, suspended high above in the walk ways in the stadium. The only thing suspended in the walk ways of Fenway are the latest lynching victim that was wearing a Yankees hat! That's right, they still lynch people in Boston!



Hopefully you get a glimpse of what this glorious new stadium will look like come opening day. The old stadium, bless it's heart needed to be re-done, it was falling apart in some areas and the Yankee ownership that cares so deeply about it's fans saw that need and corrected it. At Fenway they just keep adding more and more seats, come on already! I love old ballparks just as much as the next guy, but Fenway needs to go, it's built for early 20th century man who was about 5'3" and weighed a buck 10! History smistory I say! With all the money the Sux have they could do something, it may take time and a lot of thought but it could be done. YES WE CAN!



Lastly...

F-MASSHOLES
F-JOHNY PESKY
F-YAZ
F-CARLTON FISK
F-DAVID ORTIZ
F-BRAD PENNY
F-TITO FRANCONA
F-PAPEL-DOUCHE
F-BROCKTON
F-SOUTHIE
F-DORCHESTER
F-THE DANA FARBER INSTITUTE
F-THE JIMMY FUND
F-TED WILLIAMS SEVERED HEAD
F-THEO
F-KENMORE SQUARE
F-YAWKEY WAY
F-WEEI
F-MASSHOLES.. I know I already said that, but come on, you know me by now!